Tuesday, December 15, 2015

More Random Thots

Foreword: My last post garnered a whopping 2 responses, both women asking why the term "Thot" is misogynistic. My response:

The post was only part one of a two part special. So to answer both of my cherished readers;

We previously talked about how the term "Thot" is scientifically unsound. But why misogynistic? Let us count the ways.

We used an arbitrary value for the "Ho Factor" to determine feasible Thots in our previous exercise. But where do we obtain our Ho Factor? What exactly is a Ho? Let's let our good friend Merriam-Webster take the wheel on this one:

Definition of HO


:  whore 1

....Well that was short and to the point. How about whore?
:  a woman who engages in sexual acts for money :  prostitutealso :  a promiscuous or immoral woman
:  a male who engages in sexual acts for money

Wow. Damn. Ok Merriam-Webster, you asshole(s). Let me guess their definition for adulterer:
:   a married woman who has sex with someone who is not her husband : a woman who participates in cuckoldry; also : cheating whore; also : homewrecker; also :conniving bitch; also Ad Nauseam 
:  a married man who has sex with someone who is not his wife
I digress (even though Merriam-webster has already done most of the work for me). So unless you're a prehistoric caveman preserved in an ice prison that melted in proximity to a discarded iPad already open to this blog, I'm going to assume you are up to date with current lingo and we'll go ahead and define Ho as a promiscuous or immoral woman by induction, seeing as per Merriam-Webster it is impossible for a ho to be a promiscuous or immoral man.

The accepted term is "playboy"
Going back to the fact that you, the readers, are probably not god damned cavemen, we'll cross out the option of an immoral woman being a criteria for a ho. What morals are we talking about? Do you call a murderer a ho? A predatory lender? The guy who made the third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Probably the latter but generally we do not call those people hoes.

We're left with our final criteria, promiscuity (fuck you Merriam-Webster). How do you determine if a person is promiscuous? That requires intimate knowledge of a person's sexual activity. It would require that person to be extremely open with their sexual activity, their multitude of sexual partners to be extremely open with their sexual activity with that person, or the observer to be omniscient. So unless you've had sex with that person and discussed their previous activity with them, or you're some type of magical being, it's impossible to determine how promiscuous a person.

"They're good, lol"
Narashima: Avatar of Vishnu, Devourer of Demon Baby's Mamas.
Considering a vast majority of people are, in fact, not creatures of legend, we will assume that to properly define someone as a ho you must have intimate knowledge of the person. Since we don't have intimate knowledge of this fact most of the time, we'll have to do what any pure blooded american would do: make a decision with hearsay and with information taken at face value!

I performed a cursory google search regarding the visual identifiers of a ho, and here is a summary of the results I received:

  • Curvy body
  • Big Lips
  • Flirty
  • Likes certain drinks
  • Wears certain clothes
  • Talks in a certain way
  • Dances in a certain way
  • Currently has someone else's genitals in or on her person.
Hmm.... This all sounds awfully familiar.

Through my observation and research, I can only come to the following definition:

A "Thot" is the woman in proximity who appears to be an easy lay.

You can dress it up all you want, but Thot's just another negative term to judge a woman simply based upon her outward appearance, her personality, or her social status. We already have enough of those. Let's start working on positive ones. Like Twat. (That Woman's All That). We need more twats in the world.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Random Thots of the Day

Slang is an interesting beast. It is memetic in nature: people start using certain words or phrases in small pockets for the purpose of easier communication or exclusivity, and it somehow catches on with a greater audience. For example, did you know that people use X-mas instead of Christmas because when Christ was crucified, his IBS caused much displeasure for the guards who were posted at the base of Golgotha, so they tilted the cross to resemble an X so his farts did not blow down wind.

This is also where the the phrase "shit rolls down hill" comes from.
Sometimes, I just don't get slang or how it catches on. Like the day my mother-in-law said she was "Feeling some type of way" I immediately felt some type of way. My life experience has taught me however, that putting a gun to your own head results in either a fiendish satyr imposing ironic torture onto you or causes your personality to manifest into a physical form and fight demons. Neither of these were a suitable outcome, so I just rolled with it.

In particular, the one piece of slang which has recently driven me bonkers is "thot". For those of you unaware (which included me circa three weeks ago), thot is in fact an acronym for "That Ho Over There". It is popularized in social media and music, and has become a mainstay in the modern lexicon. BUT WHY THOUGH?

My issue is not with the acronym itself, but the viability of it's usage given a specific ho spacial arrangement. How is it possible to designate a Ho as a Thot if there are multiple feasible Thots? Let's take a look at the below Thot Minimum Spanning Tree:

Figure 1

There are three ho's in proximity to the subject. Trying to determine which one is the thot is impossible  as "over there" is vague and lacks an actual measurement of distance. Is the Thot the closest ho? Is she the furthest? The next step is to apply Ho factors to each potential thot.

Figure 2

By adding a Ho Factor to each potential thot, we can determine the biggest Ho. To do this we divide the Ho's Ho Factor by her distance from the subject to calculate the Ho Factor/Distance Ratio. We get the following values for each Ho:

A: 0.5
B: 0.889
C: 0.222

Based on these calculations, Ho B is the biggest Ho in proximity, thus qualifying her as the Thot in this situation. Unfortunately the idea of a Ho factor is absurd, considering that defining a woman as a Ho is  highly subjective and even if it were not, the ability to ascertain such information prior is nigh impossible.

Regardless of how we determine which ho is the Thot, what if there is a Ho with an equivalent Ho Factor/Distance Ratio? What if the Thot moves closer to the subject?  Does she become This Ho Right Here (THRH) or just a Ho? Does the next Thot in line usurp her position?

Soon, bitch.
It's safe to say that not only is it rude and misogynistic to refer to a woman as a Thot, it is also scientifically unsound. My recommendation is just to learn them hos' names.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Enemy Mind

As I hope most of you know, there was sadly another mass shooting in America, This time in Roseburg, Oregon. As expected, the conversation about gun control and mental illness is all over our ridiculous news cycle. I can understand the gun part because you know, he had fucking guns. But why do we assume that a person who goes on a murderous rampage is mentally ill?

What is Mental Illness? Well, lets ask Merriam-Webster:

a mental or bodily condition marked primarily by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, and emotions to seriously impair the normal psychological functioning of the individual

That's a very important definition to me. Looking at the definition, a mental Illness impairs the normal psychological function of the individual, I.E. it causes them to act differently than what they normally do. So if I normally eat people for brunch, if you find me eating someone between the hours of 8 AM and 3 PM on the weekend, I AM NOT CRAZY.

Pictured: Brunch
There are legit mental illnesses, things like Epilepsy, dementia, Tourette syndrome etc, but what do you call the mental illness which causes you to not like black people and willingly plot to kill a church full of them? What do you call the mental illness which makes you want to be cooler than the OK Bomber by shooting up your school? Why do we consider these people mentally ill? "Well we saw some very disturbing things in their personal belongings." Disturbing to who exactly? It's not like Dylann Roof would read his journal and shudder at all of the terrible things he wrote down. HE WAS THE ONE WHO WROTE THAT SHIT.

For the most part, mental illness is the scapegoat when a non-PoC is the perpetrator in these mass shootings. If they are one of the many demonized demographic (Black, Middle Eastern) their action is attributed to their demographic as a whole. But white people are always treated as an individual, albeit a disturbed one. Once again, why are they disturbed? What is it about white people that makes them only capable of destruction if they are "Mentally Ill".

Who would have thought modern psychology would have prevented these fiends?
We really need to stop considering "Person who doesn't think like everyone else" as a mentally ill person. Do you consider a person with a fetish mentally ill? We don't all share the same fetishes. While some fetishes are different from a social contract stand point (pedophilia, necrophilia vs foot fetish, clothing fetish) they are still a fetish: person sees X and they get all tingly inside, You can have a person who is attracted to children but never act on it, but I'm sure there's some weirdo running around sniffing people's feet or has a rotting foot collection somewhere.

There's someone out there right now (read: me) who would already have probably murdered every stupid person in a 10 mile radius if they didn't want to suffer the consequences of that action. Is that person (read: me) mentally ill for thinking that, or are they sane for not acting on it? So if the insane thing is not conforming to social norms and committing a crime, are all criminals mentally ill? Or if wanting to kill someone is a mental illness, is a man getting revenge for the rape of his daughter mentally ill? "I will murder anyone who dares harm my loved one" is as sane as a person could be. If I "lose it" because someone hurt my honey badger, I haven't lost my mind, I lost all regards for the social contract and I will fucking kill anyone I please at that moment.

A real American Hero and non-crazy person
When you claim that a mass shooter does so out of mental illness, you take away all of their accountability and turn the issue into a random act of violence. It's not. None of these people were walking down the street minding their own business when suddenly a bunch of guns dropped out of the sky and the voice of Ares, God of War whispered in their ears "You know what you must do". They procured the guns, they chose their location, and then they started shooting.

People have had mental illness issues way before someone decided a pick up a gun and start shooting people, and unless we do something about it, we will continue to have them. If you want see the people that show our need to have better mental health awareness, look no further than all the bat-shit crazy homeless people running around our major cities. Look at our Veterans who come home and can't sleep comfortably with their loved ones.

Look at this fucking guyE

Friday, September 18, 2015

Of Mice and Minions

You know what's not fair? How evil villain minions are treated. I get that some organizations are not redeemable: If you have the option to be a member of HYDRA or S.H.I.E.L.D and you join HYDRA, you're an asshole. But what about the guy who works for an Evil Overlord; even though the government is evil, its still the government.

Some times being a minion to the bad guy is necessary to make it through life. Imagine this: David Ross works at a company where he started in the mail room but eventually began maintaining the company's proprietary software. He gets married to Loreen from Accounting who has a weak immune system. They have a daughter Janice, but she is born with the same ailment as her mother, and Loreen dies during labor. David is determined to take care of his daughter, but his company goes under. Having a hard time finding work, David is offered a job by an old friend for some quick easy money. All David has to do is stand guard at a warehouse for a few hours over the weekend. Suddenly, Batman jumps out of the shadows and breaks both of his arms and gives him a concussion. Who's going to take care of poor Janice now?

Ironically, she is dreaming of Batman cleaning up the scum in her city.
A lot of times, minions are victims of circumstance. It's easy to say "If you didn't want batons shoved up your anus, you shouldn't be a bad guy in Hell's Kitchen." But what if you aren't a bad guy? As per the Death Star Contractor theory, the Death Star from the 3rd 6th 3rd Star Wars movie was full of contractors. As far as the non-rebel part of the Star Wars universe is concerned, the Empire is in the right. Why would they turn down a government contract?

Ever notice how you don't see any rank and file female minions? They are always in some position of power, but that position of power is always based solely on how they use their vaginas for the forces of evil. Whether it be the sexy femme fatale spy who is inevitably defeated by the female deuteragonist, the butch lieutenant who challenges the protagonist's manhood, or the Big Bad's Assistant/Consort, women are very limited to their roles in evil-dom.

Even when they are the Big Bad, a woman's evil motivation are typically those of a vain or petty jezebel or deadly matriarch figure. Scarlet Overkill just wanted the Queen's Crown, the Alien Queen only wanted to reproduce; even Maleficent, the de-facto greatest Disney Villain of all time, is mad because she wasn't invited to a fucking birthday party. Sea Witch and Diva Extraordinaire Ursula is the only female villain who truly desired power without motivation tied to vanity, fashion or a man.

Also the only Kingdom Hears boss which made me want to eat babies.
Seriously fuck this fight
How actually does one become a minion anyway? Is there like a meet up group or a craigslist posting? I mean how are evil doers able to get word out about open positions without having local authorities come down on them with supreme justice (barring any corruption of course). I mean how did the SHIELD > HYDRA conversion process work in the MCU?

Agent 1: Hey dude you've been here at SHIELD for like a month, how are you liking it so far?
Agent 2 : It's good, the wife is a little concerned after the whole HULK thing.
Agent 1: I feel you. Hey I got a question: Do you like lizards?
Agent 2: What? No not really.
Agent 1: What about Nazis?
Agent 2: Dude what the fuck are you.. blargh!!!
Agent 1: HAIL HYDRA!!!!!!
Is there an evil Human Resources department? What is the work life balance like? Do they get dental? Do their families know? What is advancement at the evil company like? Unless your life is completely shitty and you need the benefits or the pay is astronomical, I don't see the desire to risk having your body blown to smithereens while two 20 somethings shout GO JOE and swoon at each other over your corpse.

Unless of course your boss is Hank Scorpio

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Deus ex MURICA

As we touched on earlier Religion is a really big deal in the world, and I think that it is an even bigger problem. In my opinion Religion is a crutch for people who lack critical thinking; "I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this situation. What would my ultra powerful space deity do?" The average person is not going to wantonly stab another person to death. Not out of fear of law, not our of fear of divine retribution, but because that's literally what wanton means. The people who don't run around killing and maiming and raping and robbing, those are the normal people. The idea that people are running around doing that shit out of lack of fear or respect of an ominous presence is ridiculous, and that's pretty much what religion is all about. As an American who is a member of a group who has only recently been oppressed gifted with Christianity, lets talk about that.

I will not lie. There are a great number of positive lessons, acts, and deeds done in the many Bible translations and editions. But you can also find that shit in a Harry Potter book, or Dr. Seuss books. I don't remember Horton needing any omnipotent prescient voice tell him that letting all those Whos die was bad, and absolutely nothing alluded to the fact.

*As Told by Peter, the guy who totally doesn't lie about anything

For every good act done there are countless terrible ones. Terrible things which somehow are glossed over when people go around quoting shit that supposedly makes gay marriage bad. For Example, in Numbers 31, the Midianites (Read: Arabs) got sick. Many of them died. Today, we would call this an epidemic. But remember this is Biblical times where bad things happen to people because God made it so. So what did the Israelites do?

A. Not assist the Midianites because they worshiped a different god
B. Kill all of the surviving men and take all of their livestock
C. Kill all of the non-virgin women and claim the virgins.
D. Take all of their valuables and burn anything else not already on fire
E: All of the above
"I swear to Asherah I'm chaste"
-Famous Last Words
And this is not just some random group of Israelites. This was friggin' Moses. MOSES!! The only thing scarier than blind faith are the things the blindly faithful will do, and the Bible is full of fucks not given. Let's not forget the time Moses talked to a burning bush. Or the time Aaron (/wrists) and his wife clowned on Moses because he married a black girl (bonus points for them questioning his relationship with God for doing so). And my personal favorite, when Abraham was told by a scary voice to take his son and disembowel him on a rock in the middle of nowhere. There's a special place for people who do shit like that.

Don't those all sound strikingly familiar? Kind of like AIDS being a God induced Plague, or that Interracial Marriage is not biblical  and, surprisingly, the guy who tried to sacrifice his son in a cemetery? My question is, did these people read the Bible and build their beliefs off of what they read, or did they acquire these beliefs somehow and then use the bible for confirmation bias? Either way, it shows an extreme lack of critical thinking, and a lack of life experience.

Our laws should not shape our personal morals, just like our personal morals should not shape our laws. If it is legal to murder people, the world is not going to devolve into chaos despite what some people think. Yet Christians feel that Phantom Space Man's Fairy Tales should be the law of the land. And I get why. You are God's custodians and its up to you to spread his message, but if someone does something you don't want them to do and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, you let it go, you don't try to make it a law. I don't know about you all, but I'm not comfortable with letting someone who thinks some dude parted a sea yet doesn't think that toxic gases in air that we breathe is bad decide how the country should be run.

What's even worse is the role of the woman in Christianity. A women's expectation can pretty much be summed up with a chart:
If you follow Creflo Dollar, replace "Go to Church" with "Donate money"
There is so much submission going on you'd think God would do professional MMA instead of begging his believers for 10% of their checks. I like the concept of having a positive outlook when struggling and hoping for the best while working towards the best, but submitting completely to the ebb and flow of the universe hoping that some mystical being(one who you openly claim to be the indirect murderer of his son, might I add) is going to throw you a bone(r) is pretty ridiculous. Chances are Karma is the only thing which is going to come to you, and Karma knows all that shit you've been talking about your co-worker behind his back.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Dude, Where's My Karma?

On my way to work today, I caught the aftermath of a lady eating TOTAL SHIT at the Metra station. Like she straight up broke something: paramedics had to come get here. The first thing that came to my mind was "Lady get out of the way you're blocking the stairs."* The second thing was "Am I glad or sad that I missed the action?"** The third (and most important to this post) was "What did this poor lady do to deserve this?"

I believe in Karma; delicious, soul wrenching Karma. A guy who works with me also saw the lady post-excrement tasting, and he said that she sounded more embarrassed than in pain. So it comes to my mind that perhaps Karma came down on this woman with it's sweet, gooey justice and planted her ass firmly at the bottom of the steps out of revenge due to some act of extreme vanity. I mean seriously, if you're immobilized on the way to work due to taking a surprise barrel roll down a flight of stairs with a possible severe injury, the last thing you need to worry about is how stupid you look (Spoiler alert: you look hilariously stupid). That kind of thinking is universally deserving of unwanted face plants.

Damn! I just bought these pants!
People believe that bad things happen to good people for no reason. Well Karma isn't buying their shit. If Karma was a movie, it would be "Renegade Ninja Cop Avenger": it'll take anyone down. But one must remember that though Karma is tough and unforgiving, Karma is always good, and always fair. Karma may reward mean remarks to your loved with a stubbed toe, or you may get an extra chicken nugget for holding the door for the person behind you. Karma isn't always as simple and tit-for-tat however. For every little good or bad act against the universe, Karma is somewhere building up for you. One day it's going to hit a saturation point and you will be rewarded with whatever you deserve.


Tasty Karma
Karma is a gift, not a currency. You cannot earn Karma purposefully. So if you're walking around donating money or plasma or intentionally not murdering people for the purpose of generating Karma, the Universe knows you're bullshitting it. You generate good Karma for being a good person, not for trying to be a good person. And if you're trying to generate bad Karma, something is wrong with you. Unless you've managed to manifest and Weaponize bad Karma into a physical form. Then something is deeply, deeply wrong with you.

Wouldn't it be cool though, if Karma was a currency? What if it was the greatest currency? Imagine how amazing the world would be if people were directly and exponentially rewarded for doing the right thing. Instead of being giant, imperialistic dicks and raping other countries and cultures with said dicks, we loved them tenderly, and got double oil. DOUBLE OIL. Instead of forcing foreign, impoverished kids to make toys for our kids for cheap so that we can donate those toys back to the same impoverished kids, we gave them our PS4s, and got a PS4 AND an early release of the FF7 Remake with Tifa boob Physics.

Complete with real-time spinal repair surgery!!
Even if the world did work like that, that concept would make too much sense, so naturally some mouth-breathing assholes out there would still mess it up for everyone. But I can rest knowing that I will get what I deserve.***

*I never said I wasn't a terrible person

**See Footnote 1


Thursday, July 9, 2015

Trender's Game

You know what kills me about trends? The completely random timing of their popularity. We've previously spoken about the unwarranted zombie trend.  I can understand trends which are started to curb market fluctuation, such as "chocolate is good for you" when chocolate sales are down. But some of this shit just comes out of nowhere, for no reason.

Has anyone else noticed how Sriracha is all over the place all of a sudden? I swear we went from people asking not to have any of that hot red shit put on their Vietnamese Sandwiches to stupid ass Sriracha menus at Taco bell. How do you add one little thing to a couple of your items and call it a new fucking menu? I'd love to see someone try to start adding extra Mustard to different menu items and try to get away with an ALL NEW MUSTARD MENU
If there's one thing white people can do (besides not jump and legally steal everything ever), its make mayonnaise out of anything. So accordingly, Sriracha mayo is now a thing, and my hypocritical ass loves it.

Do you remember one day, back in 1995, when you were watching Friday and Ice Cube told Angela Means' character that her presence was, in fact, no longer warranted? Do you remember walking out of the theater and going "Man that was the funniest part of the movie! I'm going to say that all of the time"? You don't? BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. The line isn't even that memorable. So why are people doing it now? Of all times? Sure it's humorous if posted as a response with an image macro, but to say that shit to a person, IN PERSON? Why? Imagine using it out of context for the first time:

Person 1: Hey girl what's up?
Person 2: None of your business. Bye Felicia!
Person 1: .... my name is Tony......
Person 2: Haven't you seen Friday?
Person 1: Uh yeah. So?
Person 2: Don't you remember the part where Craig tells Felicia bye?
Person 1: Yeah... And?

Unless the target's name is actually Felicia, you probably should not say this. I mean, take any other obscure line from an old popular movie and use it randomly out of context. For example:

Person 1: I told him I would help him, but dealing with him is so stressful.
Person 2: Tisean is dead. All you got is you. Now you gotta save you.
Person 1: What the fuck are you talking about?

This is the procedure, BITCH
You know what the biggest offender of ridiculous trends is? Muck Fothering hashtags. Dear humans, please be aware that using hashtags seriously is crossing the streams of fuckery. By jumping on any of these trends you leave yourself to be eternally linked with the worst people imaginable. 

You don't want to know who uses #humpday
Right now there is some lady with the user name NaziPedoPoacher re-tweeting your favorite hashtag. Trending is bad. Don't do it. #shameonyou.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Walking Dumb

Man has it really been 2 years since my last post? Well its not like anyone actually readreads this thing.

Pictured: Graph of me lying on my back

But a frustration of mine has brought me back: a constant bane to the advancement of human life. We spoke briefly about it earlier, fan(s); the dreaded walking, talking pedestrian. Pedestrians have been issues since ancient times. Romans, who pretty much invented cities and all the fuckery that comes along with them, were aware of the terrible power of the pedestrian.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home most days (one of the many reasons this blog came to a screeching halt) but when I do have to come into the office, I very often find myself one Prada bag bump away from a murder conviction. I tend to try to obey the rules of the road when walking. However, I'm starting to think that those aren't actually a thing. The average pedestrian only follows the rules of an 80's movie cop.

He only marches to one beat: NONE
Imagine walking down the street on the right side of the sidewalk at a normal speed when suddenly a lady with one of those detestable bags with wheels (seriously, kill yourselves) turns in front of you and proceeds to slam on the breaks while the guy behind you decides that he needs to hit terminal velocity in 3 seconds. Multiply that situation by 10 and that's the average day of walking to work for me. Nothing is more chaotic than 30 some-odd people going in 30 different directions at 30 different speeds in a space barely large enough to hold at most 2 homeless people. Even the mighty Abeloth, Bringer of Chaos, is no match for the power of 3 dozen people frantically trying to catch the early train home.

They should have just invited her to a festival on Coruscant
Pedestrians are a million times more horrible thanks to mobile devices and mp3 players. Now with the advent of technology, the dangerous shambling pile of limbs is also now blind and deaf. It was bad enough that most pedestrians don't care about the presence of other people. Now they aren't even aware. What was once a minor annoyance is now a danger to everyone in a 10 meter radius. So many people are walking into traffic and other hazards while they derp around on facebook with Let it Go blasting two notches above deafening (If I can hear the music coming from your head phones, You're doing it wrong).

Just today I was walking down the street when I noticed a woman walk by wearing a jacket from the same sorority of my future wife. I would have spoken but she was glued to her phone, headphones in and plowing through the other mindless pedestrians. Not even a handsome, cordial gentlemen trying to speak of shared experiences is no match for immediate human need of sharing hilarious cat pictures.

"Haha I totally have to share this video of stupid people getting hit by Cyclists"
-Stupid woman about to get hit by Cyclist

The worst part, I mean the absolute worst part of this? We're all guilty of it. We've all checked a text message while walking and bumped into some poor kid on crutches. Even I, a creature of unparalleled grace and majesty, will occasionally stop mid stride to contemplate on deep thoughts such as how to be a contributor to the betterment of people of color and try to remember if Alyson Court was the Camp Champ in Care Bears 2 (It was Cree Summer by the way). So remember fair reader(s): Before you brutally murder the three guys walking side by side at fart travelling speed, just remember that one day, past, present, or future, you have, will, or will be one of those guys. And I'll be the person behind you. And you wouldn't want me to murder you,right?

Here's a spoiler: I'd murder you to death.

Pictured: Potential Murder Victims.