Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Man at Work

I currently work as a IT Service Desk analyst; a constant reminder that reading and initiative went the way of the dinosaur. If I had a dollar every time someone called in and, in a state of total confusion and stress, asked what to do with the big, flashing box currently on their screen that has a giant button titled "Press this to find out what to do with the big, flashing box currently on your screen", I could afford to take my extended family on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii, and upon my return the flashing box would have gained sentience and subsequently died of neglect from its new, confused parent.

"Do I want to install ViralPCRaper and Pong? Heck yeah I love Pong!"
I'm good at what I do and it pays well, but sometimes I wonder what other career options I could have. TV has been corrupting me for years by romanticizing all careers but my own, and I sometimes yearn to do something different. I think it would cool to be an FBI agent: running around in a suit, carrying a gun, and being shot at by a celebrity playing an out-of-the-box psychotic role. I mean who doesn't want to have a chiseled jaw and be tortured by Tony Danza?

I would love to teach. My math and Computer Science teachers in high school really kept me interested in school (on top of the whole book nerd thing) and made me appreciate good teachers. I think that I could do a lot of good in the world by being a teacher. I would inevitably spend 90% of my time trolling my students while teaching them, but kids these days are such pansies they may have me fired for torture.

A Shiny Blastoise would be totally worth it.

Acting has always intrigued me. I've done a few cheap student productions and had fun, but acting outside of Hollywood has to suck balls. A few years ago I leisurely tried out for a 3 person community play and like 50 people with impressive acting resumes showed up and overshadowed me so immensely that I'm still suffering from a vitamin C deficiency. None of the judges at the audition were attractive women, so the casting couch wasn't going to fly either. I'd probably have a better chance of dying in an alien invasion than getting a two-bit gig here in the Second city. Maybe the Third City, but I'm not quite sure where that is.

I've contemplated getting into politics. I'm really good a making terrible decisions for myself, so I'm certain I can make them for the ignorant masses. I wouldn't dare get into Chicago politics though. There is so much corruption here it is palpable. There is literally a cloud of lies and misdeeds floating by my office as we speak.

If you look close enough you can see several construction contracts and dead prostitutes.

I jockeyed disks for awhile in college, and thought about doing radio. Smooth Jazz in Chicago is a dying genre and I could really revitalize the airways with my manly sexy man voice. I had some correspondence with the General Manager at 87.7, who was impressed with my resume but wanted me to work extensively and for free. It was nice that they wanted to fill the void that WNUA left, but apparently they filled it with broke, underachievers because that station is also Dust in the Wind.

Maybe one of these days another career opportunity will present itself. But for now, I'll just have to continue explaining to people what the Start Button looks like.

No dipshit, not like that.

Monday, December 2, 2013


I've never been a big TV watcher. I blame it on the combination of my unhealthy love of video games and the built in unwanted desire for instant gratification that plagues Americans which makes the episodic nature of television torturous. All in all, TV is not my go to form of entertainment. But I do watch TV, and with the fall season wrapping up, I have to say I am dancing on whether I was happy or not with how it turned out.


While I know that Breaking Bad finished it's run some time ago, I recently finished it and I must say, as good of a show it was, it was an exercise in fuckery.

For starters, Walter White was a living manifestation of an oxymoron suffering from schizophrenia and mood swings. In a single episode, he would be a bad ass ruthless diabolical genius, then a scared and inept suburban husband and father. It's like the cliche scene where the villain cries to the hero for mercy and then inevitably backstabs him when he least expects it, but for five fucking seasons. The script for the typical Breaking Bad Episode goes something like this.

Villain of the Season: Even though I make millions killing people and selling poison to children and also possibly racist, I'm really not that bad of a person Walt. Please make my Meth and we'll let any of our past transgressions slide.

Walt: Ok. (VOTS leaves). Jesse, you stupid piece of shit we're going to kill that guy, even if I have to do it myself you worthless trash, I have a drug empire to build.

Jesse: *Incessant self-loathing here*

Walt: I'm sorry Jesse forgive me. I have a family and i'm sick and inept. You're a smart kid Jesse with dreams and blankets. We have to stick together to survive!

Jesse: *weeps uncontrollably*

Walt: You're a good kid. (Jesse leaves). Hello? Yes? Is this Ralph's Murder Service? I need you to murder a one Jesse Pinkman, but don't kill him. We've been through too much together.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take care of my useless shitty
family, for whom I have nothing but complete love and adoration for"

To be honest, most of the main cast was insufferable. All of the fun interesting characters end up dying because somehow Walt believes that the solution to all of his problems is to have Jesse kill everyone involved. The show had a wonderful plot but a horrible cast of characters. Saul Goodman was the only consistent character on the show. They should have retooled the show as Better Call Saul: Sleazy Advice For Criminally Inept Criminals. Wait... Shit....

Boardwalk Empire recently finished Season 4 in a way best described as the feeling you get when you go into a public bathroom and don't immediately regret your decision.

Each stall has 12% chance of containing Steve Buscemi

I really love the show and how they interweave history with their own interesting original characters. That last season though, all of the different Arcs ended so clumsily. My least favorite being how Richard "The Best Character in Television History" Harrow met his end. I appreciate that his send off was the very last scene of the season and that he was somewhat happy, the whole circumstances behind it just pissed me off. My most favorite is when we all found out that Ron Livingston spent the entire season trolling Jillian. The fact that Ron Livingston's face is essentially an amalgamation of all of the Rage Faces on the internet made it even more hilarious. Other than those two scenes, everything else that happened in the season ended with no pay off or was completely obvious. 

Chalky's arc was the most frustrating, as it is a carbon copy of the Nucky's first arc in the previous season. Apparently unshapely show girls with droopy faces were all the rage in the Roaring Twenties.

You know what? I'm sexy

The mid-season finale for Walking Dead was awesome, and it brought the show somewhat back in line with the comic. While I liked the idea of them tackling the consequences of being sick in the zombie apocalypse (Walking Zombie Time bombs), I felt the whole arc was a little too long. I appreciated the Governor Arc, and unlike the original Governor who, like all villains in The Walking Dead comic, was a living breathing asshole, gave the TV Governor some redeeming quality. I was at one point hoping that he would successfully kill Rick and lead the survivors to Utopia.

Let's set things straight. I hate Rick. I hate comic Rick and I hate TV Rick. The only reason why Comic Rick is still alive is because he's had Glenn, Tyreese, Andrea, Michonne, Dale, and even fucking Carl do all the heavy lifting. It's like the writing crew for the show saw that the most competent characters in the comic were a woman and a black guy and panicked. I get that your leading man has to be reliable, but it feels like they dropped the entire Walking Dead universe down to the lowest common denominator so that Rick was a better leading man, and he was still insufferable. I'm sure the writing staff meeting went something like....

Head Writer: Ok guys we have a problem. Andrea's sister died in the comic and she some how manages to learn to cope with it on top of becoming a bad ass sharpshooter all while being a woman.

Writer #1: How is that a problem sir?

HW: No one's going to buy that shit. She needs to be emotionally unstable for at least 7 episodes and bitch all the time. Have her sleep with the nearest Alpha Male for good measure.

Writer #2:  On it sir, and what about Tyreese?

HW: You mean T-Dog?

Writer #2: No sir Tyreese, he's the ex-football player, you know the competent black guy who acts as the muscle when Rick's too busy being an emotional pussy to get anything done.

HW: There are no black people in Atlanta idiot. We'll just cast a white hillbilly instead and keep Shane alive. Problem solved.
The only reason Michonne didn't get cut is because she has a katana, and I'm done fucking with the Japanese so I'm going to end that one right there. They eventually redeem themselves by killing Andrea's useless ass off, but then fuck it all up and replace her with a useless Tyreese. This asshole had to be saved by two pre-schoolers for crying out loud. I personally would have preferred to have Carol stick around and kill more people on purpose than have this mouth breather accidentally murder the entire survivor group.

That face you make when you realize you've got "chubby black
zombie survivor" on your IMDB Page Twice

I finally got into American Horror Story starting with Coven, and watching magical bitches be bitches to each other is infinitely entertaining. I don't have any complaints about any of the characters and plot, it's really well written. The two things that make the show somewhat unbearable is the constant torturing of Sarah Paulson and her horrible shrieking, and trying to make it through an episode without having a heart attack on behalf of Gabourey Sidibe and Kathy Bates.

I'm not sure which sub-plot is my favorite. I mean Orochimaru Fiona trying to absorb Chakra magic from the young up and coming ninjas witches is interesting an all, but the plights of Zombie Boy Kyle is so heart wrenching. I mean everyone else in the show is a complete asshole, and this poor regular person who tried to be an upstanding guy has to suffer from being molested by his mom, blown to smithereens in a witch-bitch induced car accident, and then put back together with some other dude's penis. 

I'd be that mad too if someone fucked with Mr. Happy.

Overall, I've been pretty satisfied with recent televsion, which is leagues above the remakes and book adaptations which is the movie industry right now.