Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Dude, Where's My Karma?

On my way to work today, I caught the aftermath of a lady eating TOTAL SHIT at the Metra station. Like she straight up broke something: paramedics had to come get here. The first thing that came to my mind was "Lady get out of the way you're blocking the stairs."* The second thing was "Am I glad or sad that I missed the action?"** The third (and most important to this post) was "What did this poor lady do to deserve this?"

I believe in Karma; delicious, soul wrenching Karma. A guy who works with me also saw the lady post-excrement tasting, and he said that she sounded more embarrassed than in pain. So it comes to my mind that perhaps Karma came down on this woman with it's sweet, gooey justice and planted her ass firmly at the bottom of the steps out of revenge due to some act of extreme vanity. I mean seriously, if you're immobilized on the way to work due to taking a surprise barrel roll down a flight of stairs with a possible severe injury, the last thing you need to worry about is how stupid you look (Spoiler alert: you look hilariously stupid). That kind of thinking is universally deserving of unwanted face plants.

Damn! I just bought these pants!
People believe that bad things happen to good people for no reason. Well Karma isn't buying their shit. If Karma was a movie, it would be "Renegade Ninja Cop Avenger": it'll take anyone down. But one must remember that though Karma is tough and unforgiving, Karma is always good, and always fair. Karma may reward mean remarks to your loved with a stubbed toe, or you may get an extra chicken nugget for holding the door for the person behind you. Karma isn't always as simple and tit-for-tat however. For every little good or bad act against the universe, Karma is somewhere building up for you. One day it's going to hit a saturation point and you will be rewarded with whatever you deserve.


Tasty Karma
Karma is a gift, not a currency. You cannot earn Karma purposefully. So if you're walking around donating money or plasma or intentionally not murdering people for the purpose of generating Karma, the Universe knows you're bullshitting it. You generate good Karma for being a good person, not for trying to be a good person. And if you're trying to generate bad Karma, something is wrong with you. Unless you've managed to manifest and Weaponize bad Karma into a physical form. Then something is deeply, deeply wrong with you.

Wouldn't it be cool though, if Karma was a currency? What if it was the greatest currency? Imagine how amazing the world would be if people were directly and exponentially rewarded for doing the right thing. Instead of being giant, imperialistic dicks and raping other countries and cultures with said dicks, we loved them tenderly, and got double oil. DOUBLE OIL. Instead of forcing foreign, impoverished kids to make toys for our kids for cheap so that we can donate those toys back to the same impoverished kids, we gave them our PS4s, and got a PS4 AND an early release of the FF7 Remake with Tifa boob Physics.

Complete with real-time spinal repair surgery!!
Even if the world did work like that, that concept would make too much sense, so naturally some mouth-breathing assholes out there would still mess it up for everyone. But I can rest knowing that I will get what I deserve.***

*I never said I wasn't a terrible person

**See Footnote 1


Thursday, July 9, 2015

Trender's Game

You know what kills me about trends? The completely random timing of their popularity. We've previously spoken about the unwarranted zombie trend.  I can understand trends which are started to curb market fluctuation, such as "chocolate is good for you" when chocolate sales are down. But some of this shit just comes out of nowhere, for no reason.

Has anyone else noticed how Sriracha is all over the place all of a sudden? I swear we went from people asking not to have any of that hot red shit put on their Vietnamese Sandwiches to stupid ass Sriracha menus at Taco bell. How do you add one little thing to a couple of your items and call it a new fucking menu? I'd love to see someone try to start adding extra Mustard to different menu items and try to get away with an ALL NEW MUSTARD MENU
If there's one thing white people can do (besides not jump and legally steal everything ever), its make mayonnaise out of anything. So accordingly, Sriracha mayo is now a thing, and my hypocritical ass loves it.

Do you remember one day, back in 1995, when you were watching Friday and Ice Cube told Angela Means' character that her presence was, in fact, no longer warranted? Do you remember walking out of the theater and going "Man that was the funniest part of the movie! I'm going to say that all of the time"? You don't? BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. The line isn't even that memorable. So why are people doing it now? Of all times? Sure it's humorous if posted as a response with an image macro, but to say that shit to a person, IN PERSON? Why? Imagine using it out of context for the first time:

Person 1: Hey girl what's up?
Person 2: None of your business. Bye Felicia!
Person 1: .... my name is Tony......
Person 2: Haven't you seen Friday?
Person 1: Uh yeah. So?
Person 2: Don't you remember the part where Craig tells Felicia bye?
Person 1: Yeah... And?

Unless the target's name is actually Felicia, you probably should not say this. I mean, take any other obscure line from an old popular movie and use it randomly out of context. For example:

Person 1: I told him I would help him, but dealing with him is so stressful.
Person 2: Tisean is dead. All you got is you. Now you gotta save you.
Person 1: What the fuck are you talking about?

This is the procedure, BITCH
You know what the biggest offender of ridiculous trends is? Muck Fothering hashtags. Dear humans, please be aware that using hashtags seriously is crossing the streams of fuckery. By jumping on any of these trends you leave yourself to be eternally linked with the worst people imaginable. 

You don't want to know who uses #humpday
Right now there is some lady with the user name NaziPedoPoacher re-tweeting your favorite hashtag. Trending is bad. Don't do it. #shameonyou.