Monday, October 21, 2013

The Real Zombies of Hollywood

I don't think that humans as a species have been so obsessed with anything as much as we are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. I don't see why people are in love with the idea of a world full of slow, shambling masses of flesh who walk around on instinct, causing harm to everyone they come in contact with and are incapable of rational communication. We already have those; they're called "Pedestrians" and last I recall, everyone hates them. So why does everyone have such a hard-on for zombies?

There is absolutely nothing interesting about zombies or the alleged apocalypse that society thinks that they are going to bring. If the media has shown us anything about zombies, its that that likelihood of someone to be infected during the initial outbreak is inversely related to their ability to function as a moderately intelligent human being with common sense. Look at the Walking Dead for instance. Those have to be some of the dumbest human beings to ever have plot based around them, the most competent person in their group being a backwoods deputy sheriff who overslept during the end of the fucking world. They routinely hunt for deer and other wild animals too, so if these fucking D-students and a bunch of pigs can survive at least a year, then there's gotta be someone out there who has already started fixing everything.

"I almost fixed everything, but then HILLBILLIES."

Zombies are boring, slow, and they lack the intelligence to be interesting villains. All they have going for them is numbers, and nature can take care of most of those in no time via sunburn or frostbite. They can't use weapons, they can't deliver any witty one liners and, they can't come back from the dead for a last minute scare because that's already their whole fucking repertoire. They aren't any more useful as plot devices, acting only as disposable cogs to the Rue-Goldberg Machine that is shitty Survivor defenses. There are so many survivor burrows ruined because some dipshit decided not to tie his shoes before he died.
Even the Resident Evil series understood by the third game that boring regular zombies can only get so far before someone will wake the fuck up and blow them all to smithereens. They upgraded those zombies to thinking, fast zombies, and they still proceeded to get their asses handed to them by a single man while he babysat a mouth-breathing teenager who tried to block giant monster knight swords with her body. If the Japanese think that super zombies can be defeated without the use of Gundams or summoning Godzilla, I'm pretty sure most of us can make it out alive.

If we come across one of these though,
we're pretty much fucked.

So yeah, zombies themselves aren't all that interesting. So what's the big deal? Maybe everyone likes to see how the world will be for the survivors, right? How they handle the fall of society and learn to cope without all of it's luxuries. Wrong! Walking Dead gave us exactly that in Season 2 and viewers complained about the overall lack of zombies. No! People are literally obsessed with zombies. Zombie paint ball, Zombie obstacle courses, Zombie bar crawls, zombie books, zombie movies, zombie videogames. All we are missing is the Zombie reality show. I haven't quite decided yet if this will be the best or worst thing ever; my distaste for zombies, reality tv, and stupid people, competing with my desire to watch stupid people get eaten on reality tv by zombies.

My biggest gripe is that all of these zombie shenanigans are a deterrence to the real problem; the inevitable cyber-post apocalypse caused by the Robot Revolution. They've tricked us by putting out shitty robot movies and now they're under the radar; plotting, planning, preparing.

First your car keys, then, the World!
Robot's are the opposite of zombies: They're smart, they're not made of meat, and they can do advanced calculations in seconds. Fucking calculus man. Do you know how powerful linear algebra is? So while you morons are drinking your zombie juice, watching your zombie shows in your zombie costumes, these robotic menaces are using your Playstation 3s to find a way to launch all of the nukes on to us. Hopefully Japan will forgive me for all the horrible things I've said about them and loan me a Gundam so I can survive the initial blasts.

Unless it is an Aries. I'd rather take my chances with the nukes.

No comments:

Post a Comment