Friday, September 18, 2015

Of Mice and Minions

You know what's not fair? How evil villain minions are treated. I get that some organizations are not redeemable: If you have the option to be a member of HYDRA or S.H.I.E.L.D and you join HYDRA, you're an asshole. But what about the guy who works for an Evil Overlord; even though the government is evil, its still the government.

Some times being a minion to the bad guy is necessary to make it through life. Imagine this: David Ross works at a company where he started in the mail room but eventually began maintaining the company's proprietary software. He gets married to Loreen from Accounting who has a weak immune system. They have a daughter Janice, but she is born with the same ailment as her mother, and Loreen dies during labor. David is determined to take care of his daughter, but his company goes under. Having a hard time finding work, David is offered a job by an old friend for some quick easy money. All David has to do is stand guard at a warehouse for a few hours over the weekend. Suddenly, Batman jumps out of the shadows and breaks both of his arms and gives him a concussion. Who's going to take care of poor Janice now?

Ironically, she is dreaming of Batman cleaning up the scum in her city.
A lot of times, minions are victims of circumstance. It's easy to say "If you didn't want batons shoved up your anus, you shouldn't be a bad guy in Hell's Kitchen." But what if you aren't a bad guy? As per the Death Star Contractor theory, the Death Star from the 3rd 6th 3rd Star Wars movie was full of contractors. As far as the non-rebel part of the Star Wars universe is concerned, the Empire is in the right. Why would they turn down a government contract?

Ever notice how you don't see any rank and file female minions? They are always in some position of power, but that position of power is always based solely on how they use their vaginas for the forces of evil. Whether it be the sexy femme fatale spy who is inevitably defeated by the female deuteragonist, the butch lieutenant who challenges the protagonist's manhood, or the Big Bad's Assistant/Consort, women are very limited to their roles in evil-dom.

Even when they are the Big Bad, a woman's evil motivation are typically those of a vain or petty jezebel or deadly matriarch figure. Scarlet Overkill just wanted the Queen's Crown, the Alien Queen only wanted to reproduce; even Maleficent, the de-facto greatest Disney Villain of all time, is mad because she wasn't invited to a fucking birthday party. Sea Witch and Diva Extraordinaire Ursula is the only female villain who truly desired power without motivation tied to vanity, fashion or a man.

Also the only Kingdom Hears boss which made me want to eat babies.
Seriously fuck this fight
How actually does one become a minion anyway? Is there like a meet up group or a craigslist posting? I mean how are evil doers able to get word out about open positions without having local authorities come down on them with supreme justice (barring any corruption of course). I mean how did the SHIELD > HYDRA conversion process work in the MCU?

Agent 1: Hey dude you've been here at SHIELD for like a month, how are you liking it so far?
Agent 2 : It's good, the wife is a little concerned after the whole HULK thing.
Agent 1: I feel you. Hey I got a question: Do you like lizards?
Agent 2: What? No not really.
Agent 1: What about Nazis?
Agent 2: Dude what the fuck are you.. blargh!!!
Agent 1: HAIL HYDRA!!!!!!
Is there an evil Human Resources department? What is the work life balance like? Do they get dental? Do their families know? What is advancement at the evil company like? Unless your life is completely shitty and you need the benefits or the pay is astronomical, I don't see the desire to risk having your body blown to smithereens while two 20 somethings shout GO JOE and swoon at each other over your corpse.

Unless of course your boss is Hank Scorpio

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