Tuesday, March 15, 2016

License to Feel

Not too long ago, one of my favorite funny men Mel Brooks said to Bill Maher that he wouldn't be able to do Blazing Saddles in Today's Politically Correct Climate. The resulting world-wide pearl clutching event in response to this statement not only proved his point, but the force actually knocked the planet .1012 dm off of its normal orbit, and Earth is now on on a 246 year collision course with Venus.

The price of comedy
Blazing Saddles could easily be made today, but the internet would not stand idly by. It's not really an issue of political correctness, but the fact that everyone has an opinion and an outlet for said opinion: the intertubes. If people actually read this blog, I can assure you that there would be a micro-community somewhere already ready to debate the validity of my take on Earth's inevitable celestial fender bender. You see, for every thing which has ever existed ever, in all of space and time, concrete or abstract, there is at least one person who's underutilized neural system has somehow managed to develop a way to take it personal.

I personally believe that this stems from the fact that for decades, so many people (read: anyone not a white male) were discounted or treated like shit. Over time as we progress, our society as a whole is less and less likely to ostracize others for being different. It was the status quo for this to happen, so people just sat idly by as they were oppressed. If someone called me a Nigger a few decades ago, no one would bat an eye and many a pearl would go unclutched; not calling me one would have been more of a problem. This is now unacceptable for (hopefully) obvious reasons, so not only do people not do it (in public) if it is done, there are plenty of white knights who will swiftly ride in to combat their intolerance.

Fair Negro, Telleth me of the knave who said such things to thee!
However, somehow when the universe applied it's most recent update to the human condition, it over-compensated and swung waaaaaay too fucking far on the other side of the sensitivity scale. We somehow went from "bottle your feelings up, this is the way of life so get over it" to "Let your feelings free! We'll stand with you regardless." So now not only do people react to almost everything, they are encouraged to have a reaction and now have the internet to broadcast it to the whole world.There is literally absolutely nothing that can be done on this earth without someone feeling some type of way about it.

Now don't get me wrong. I have total respect people for being unable to react to their personal triggers. Sometimes they extend from irrational fears, some from traumatic experiences: the brain is a crazy thing and there is no written rule for how it should work. Myself for example; if I am in the presence of a loose sharp object (Saw, sharp Knife, etc) for an extended period of time, I tend to get the mental image of said sharp object slicing my hands or my tongue. Actually just typing that now gave me the chills. Also, if I am in the presence of a large insect (mainly spiders) for an extended period of time, my overall ability to function as a normal human being begins to degrade.

This is how I die
As much as I would loath for knife-riding spiders to exist, and no matter how much that horrible feeling is a detriment to my own physical and mental being, it registers a whopping 0 on the "shit that actually matters" scale. People get so caught up on how they feel about something, they tend to forget that they are, in fact, not the Scarlet Witch, and that their individual feelings hold no water in the grand scheme of things. We have to remember, that no matter how much we may feel about something, our feelings are not always grounded in reality. I'm 6'2". I can literally smash a spider with my hands. But I won't, because reasons. While I find it completely acceptable to reward anyone dumb enough to prank me with a giant fake spider with a rousing round of punches, this is not an acceptable thing to do fuck that guy he deserved that shit.

Things get scary though, when those individuals and their feelings harness their spiral powers, combine, and become a movement. You see, in the very recent past, many movements were formed because of very real issues such as the Civil Rights Movement, because black people were literally being treated like animals and the Vietnam War Opposition, because why the hell were we over there again? This is, you know, shit that actually happened. However, thanks to our old friend anti-intellectualism, we now have movements for Anti-Vaccination, for those who feel like vaccines cause autism; Flat Earthers who think that the earth is not spinning because we would feel the motion, and Trump Stumps who will vote for Donald Trump because they feel that America is no longer great.

This just in: NASA reports that The world-wide face-palming event caused by this insanity corrected Earth's orbit.
Feelings are running rampant in all aspects of American life these days, and we should be kind, understanding, and listen to those feelings. FALSE. My feelings don't matter, and your's especially don't. Life existed before you and will after you. Every time you feel tired from working your 9-5 there is someone who's tired because they can't afford to eat. Every time you get offended that some woman is "exposing" herself in the media, there is a woman being raped because she refused to do so. You think the US isn't great? Try living in a country who's number one import is privileged tourists and number one export is sex slaves. You and your feelings are only as important as the impact you make on others around you. Without friends and loved ones you might as well be an undiscovered alien on a planet that is about to be blown up by space pirates.

So please, fair reader(s), before you get caught all up in your feelings about something, take a moment. Calm yourself, have a drink, do some research, share with a loved one, and maybe, just maybe, you'll find out that hey: feelings are fleeting, and reality has a long list of fucks it doesn't give.

That sumbitch is written in stone, too

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Lord of the Dies

As a large, black man, it can be scary sometimes living in this world. At any given moment, some white, frail person may instantly feel threatened by my presence and I could be arrested or shot. I mean, how dare I be large and black on a Tuesday Morning? I wondered one day, if maybe life would be easier if the universe had decided to deny my body the right to melanin. Would it be easier and safer to be white? That all changed when I pulled up the horror section on Netflix.

I guess I shouldn't take it personal when I inadvertently scare white people. They are afraid of everything.
If horror movies are any indication of actual fears, then white people can't do ANYTHING without fear of being brutally murdered to death. A fucking routine elevator ride can't happen without claiming the lives of 3+ white people. In fact, let's go through a list of things that, as per horror movies, white people can't do without dying horribly meaningless deaths.

Go Camping
Don't go camping white people. If you don't get murdered by a deranged person or dismembered by a crazy backwoods monster, you'll get possessed by a fucking book or catch some weird sickness.

Go On Vacation
Foreigners hate white people, especially their vengeful ancestors and creatures of lore. Incidentally, they also love white people, and will keep them forever.

Planes don't give no fucks either, and will crash leaving you to die in sweltering heat or bitter cold. Killers also love planes, because there is nowhere to run.

Go near Water
If you don't drown, a shark will attempt to eat you, not to mention whatever other eldritch abominations which are dwelling in the deeps.

Return From Vacation
Just in case you do make it home from vacation, there are plenty of murderers and kidnappers patiently waiting for you outside the airport.

Apparently there is a direct relation between the amount of consecutive hours a white person spends in a car to the number of things that will try to kill them. Car accidents, deranged truckers, and whatever nonsense the universe can come up with.

Go to College
There's nothing a killer loves more than a curious white person fresh out of high school and no parents to deter their poor decision making skills. Also, that secluded, prestigious school is run by a cult.

Get a Job
In the event you do make it out of college alive, your job will pick up the slack. If you want horrible things to happen to you, your career of choice should be home nurse.

Become a Graduate Fellow
In the event you say "screw work I'm staying in school", the only things you'll learn are new ways to die and unearth things that want your soul for brunch.

Buy a House
That house you just bought? If it wasn't built on a burial ground, it's last owner did some pretty horrific shit before you bought it. Either way chances are something in the furnace will eat you.

Buy Anything Else
People can be sentimental and grow attached to objects. So attached that they will possess it after death and fuck up the next white person to buy it. Whether it is a doll, a puzzle, a car; it will attempt to suck your insides out through your navel cavity.

Get Married
Your spouse will be insane, abusive or try to kill you for your money. Stay single.

See a Medical Professional
Your doctor, dentist, or nurse will lovingly perform horrific operations and experiments on you just because you have an odd eye color.

DON'T See a Medical Professional
It's really not a good idea to let that rash "heal on its own". It may be deadly, supernatural, extraterrestrial.

Go Outside At all
Lord willing you make it from your front door, to your destination, then back, there is a chance someone has broken into your house and is waiting to kill you.

Stay at Home
Perchance you say "Fuck outside" and stay in, someone might just decide to break into your house and kill you anyway.

Watch a Movie
For white people, somehow watching an old VHS is literally a death sentence. We have them to thank for the invention of the DVD, I guess.

Answer The Phone
One out of every Eight phone calls to a white person is an attempt to kill them. Better off not answering the phone.

Don't Answer the Phone
Unless of course, you want to receive a voicemail from the future of you dying a horrible death. Better just send them an email.

Use The Internet
Just stay clear of some websites and definitely do not share tasteless videos. In fact, just screw technology and send them some snail mail.

Use the Postal Service
Yeah don't open any mail either. It may be some crap credit cards or a murderous chain letter. Might as well just go to sleep

Go to Sleep
White people can't even go to sleep without a severely burned pedophile  trying to kill them in ironic ways. Hell, you'll probably wake up to find your spouse motionlessly standing over your body for no reason at all.

Did I say foreigners hate white people? Everything hates white people. If you are white, something, at this very moment, is trying to kill you. Being white is like living in a Rube Goldberg Machine of Inevitable Corpses.. You go to prom? You die. Go to the carnival? You die. Go to a party? You die. A white person's very existence is always at stake. Maybe that explains white fragility.

"Don't talk to me about racism, the racist guy always dies first. I mean I love black people!"

This is also extra enlightening regarding some white people behavior. "Shit, well since I'm persistently in danger of being sold into white slavery to some dude in Saudi Arabia or have my soul devoured by an angry indigenous spirit, I might as well go chase Tornados, climb mountains for the hell of it, or resurrect fucking dinosaurs. What's the worse that could happen?"

You would die, fictional white person created for the sake of this post; you would die.