Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Walking Dumb

Man has it really been 2 years since my last post? Well its not like anyone actually readreads this thing.

Pictured: Graph of me lying on my back

But a frustration of mine has brought me back: a constant bane to the advancement of human life. We spoke briefly about it earlier, fan(s); the dreaded walking, talking pedestrian. Pedestrians have been issues since ancient times. Romans, who pretty much invented cities and all the fuckery that comes along with them, were aware of the terrible power of the pedestrian.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home most days (one of the many reasons this blog came to a screeching halt) but when I do have to come into the office, I very often find myself one Prada bag bump away from a murder conviction. I tend to try to obey the rules of the road when walking. However, I'm starting to think that those aren't actually a thing. The average pedestrian only follows the rules of an 80's movie cop.

He only marches to one beat: NONE
Imagine walking down the street on the right side of the sidewalk at a normal speed when suddenly a lady with one of those detestable bags with wheels (seriously, kill yourselves) turns in front of you and proceeds to slam on the breaks while the guy behind you decides that he needs to hit terminal velocity in 3 seconds. Multiply that situation by 10 and that's the average day of walking to work for me. Nothing is more chaotic than 30 some-odd people going in 30 different directions at 30 different speeds in a space barely large enough to hold at most 2 homeless people. Even the mighty Abeloth, Bringer of Chaos, is no match for the power of 3 dozen people frantically trying to catch the early train home.

They should have just invited her to a festival on Coruscant
Pedestrians are a million times more horrible thanks to mobile devices and mp3 players. Now with the advent of technology, the dangerous shambling pile of limbs is also now blind and deaf. It was bad enough that most pedestrians don't care about the presence of other people. Now they aren't even aware. What was once a minor annoyance is now a danger to everyone in a 10 meter radius. So many people are walking into traffic and other hazards while they derp around on facebook with Let it Go blasting two notches above deafening (If I can hear the music coming from your head phones, You're doing it wrong).

Just today I was walking down the street when I noticed a woman walk by wearing a jacket from the same sorority of my future wife. I would have spoken but she was glued to her phone, headphones in and plowing through the other mindless pedestrians. Not even a handsome, cordial gentlemen trying to speak of shared experiences is no match for immediate human need of sharing hilarious cat pictures.

"Haha I totally have to share this video of stupid people getting hit by Cyclists"
-Stupid woman about to get hit by Cyclist

The worst part, I mean the absolute worst part of this? We're all guilty of it. We've all checked a text message while walking and bumped into some poor kid on crutches. Even I, a creature of unparalleled grace and majesty, will occasionally stop mid stride to contemplate on deep thoughts such as how to be a contributor to the betterment of people of color and try to remember if Alyson Court was the Camp Champ in Care Bears 2 (It was Cree Summer by the way). So remember fair reader(s): Before you brutally murder the three guys walking side by side at fart travelling speed, just remember that one day, past, present, or future, you have, will, or will be one of those guys. And I'll be the person behind you. And you wouldn't want me to murder you,right?

Here's a spoiler: I'd murder you to death.

Pictured: Potential Murder Victims.