Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Back for the First Time

For centuries, man and wombat alike have pondered on the concept of time travel and it's obvious boons. What will our future be like? How was the world before we knew it? Did the chicken come before the egg? Who ate my left over burrito bowl? But I alone can tell you, without years of study in metaphysics and other made up science lingo that time travel is complete and utter bullshit.

I didn't even need to make any faux-Bruce Willis faces to figure it out
Let's assume that time travel will one day exist. If it does, then me or one of my descendants should come back now and stop me from finishing this post.

Nope. I'm still going. There are only 3 explanations for this obvious phenomenon: Time travel will not exist, I'll never live to see it, or my descendants are useless drains on our future utopian society. You see, for time travel to make sense, the time line has to take into account that it will one day exist and prepare for the fuckery that our future failures will bestow upon it. Most people think that the timeline can be boned by quantum leaping assholes, but for that to happen there would need to be two occurrences of that event: the original version and the David Lynch remix. That's like Diana Ross recording a CD, and then having KE$HA sample it, causing all of Diana Ross's CD's to explode in a big fiery ball visible from space. Actually, bad analogy, forget I said that.

I still advise extreme caution should KE$HA attempt this crime against reality

To better elaborate my point, the possibility of time travel being able to change events that already happened  would cause every era to explode into a chaotic mess of brainternet memes (that's the internet of the future, for you non-believers). People would just randomly pop into existence rocking high top fades and pantaloons. Every week 7 billion people would all have the same Powerball numbers, and white people would no longer exist due to every old black man's desire to reenact Django Unchained en masse. And then in an instant we'd all cease to exist because some dickwad decided to give Adam a box of condoms and/or jizz into the primordial ooze  [OPEN FOR INTERPRETATION]. Any sensible space-time continuum should be able exist on its own and not buckle because some dumbass randomly decided to go to the millennial fair with her magical family heirloom.

Yeah, thanks bitch.

For time travel to exist, it would have to meld seamlessly with our current reality, meaning that me writing this post has either already been governed by someone's time traveling shenanigans or is completely immune to it.  Take Terminator for example. Kyle and the Terminator are sent back in time to bone/kill Sarah Connor respectively. Kyle sacrifices himself to succeed in his goal, becoming  the father of the twice poorly cast John Connor. Kyle didn't go back and alter the timeline by doing the horizontal mamba with Sarah, the timeline was already shaped by the fact that he would eventually do that. Every event leading up to Kyle going back to bone Sarah was governed by the fact that Kyle went back in time to bone Sarah. It gets even worse in T2 when you learn that Skynet was created because the resistance sent the Terminator back to save Sarah and John. Technically, the Terminator time line exists simply due to the fact that some guy in the future invented time travel.

Don't even get me started with all of Tom Baker's bullshit. So yeah, I think i'll go ahead and NOT have my useless grandchildren come visit me from the future, else I end up as Little Wayne's father in law or some shit.

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