Romancing the Phone

Proper and respectable communication as a whole is slowly being devoured by the collective dinner table of time and wireless media. Snail mail was served during cocktail hour and we're about halfway through our appetizer: the telephone. As more and more people begin to text, e-mail, facebook, and tweet, phones become less and less used to call people, and telephone etiquette is being scraped off of the plate and into the dog dish.

Speaking of phones and eating, why in God's many names do people think it is ok to eat while on the phone? I have absolutely no desire to hear what the inside of your mouth sounds like while you eat bacon. I don't care how busy you think you may be or how important you think your phone call is, both actions require the use of your mouth. Any evolved mammal knows that you don't transfer two things that flow in opposite directions in a single space. That's like trying to pee while you have sex.

Sadly, there are just as many people
who don't even follow that rule.

Speaking of personal waste management, calling someone while in the bathroom is literally a shitty thing to do. Unless you plan to talk about something which immediately halts your desire to pee, poop, or shower, you probably shouldn't be on the phone while you pee, poop, or shower. That's the reason why smart phones have games, texting, and e-mail; so you don't have to call your friend Ricky if you get bored while you drop a deuce. I'm sure he would appreciate not having to hear what the aftermath of your 4 AM Taco Bell run sounds like.

When they make a phone that transmits smell, we'll revisit this topic.

Putting people on extended periods of hold is also an exercise in dickery. I don't think anyone wants to wait while you brush your teeth or masturbate, just call them back. Some people aren't complete assholes and may be giving you their undivided attention while you talk to them. Chances are, they probably don't want to talk to you anyway, so you're saving them the effort of trying to convince you they have to do something which makes them incapable of talking on the phone.

"Your cat blew up? That's ok I gotta go poop so i'll hold"

Speaking of which, when did people become so dense that they don't realize that the other person is trying to end the conversation? Nowadays you have to bludgeon people with the fact that you're done talking to them. Nothing short of telling them to shut the fuck up and hanging up will give them the idea that you're tired of hearing about the food that they made but didn't bother to save you any.

"I just had to tell you about that funny cat picture I saw!"

You may say "Well why do we have hands free sets if we're not supposed to talk while we do stuff?"
Fuck you, that's why. Hands free sets are like attaching an extra asshole to the side of your face. Nothing is more frustrating than having someone walk up to you and say something, only to find out they're covertly talking to their sister like they are some kind of god damned spy. Except not, because they're using their AC/DC-concert speaking voice since they bought the cheapest bluetooth set known to man, so they're walking down the street shouting about how they think Skylar White is a bitch, and it is some how the par for the course these days.

I feel that moving away from using the phone as a primary source of communication is a step backwards in technology. Seriously, we found out a way to transmit the complexity of our individual voices across the planet, and some how "i b late i gotta poop lol" is a step into the future. I would say that video chat on a regular basis would be even more phenomenal, but I just remembered that people like to call and text while they are on the toilet, so no. Fuck that.