Thursday, May 18, 2017

Cradle Attraction

My wife and I are constantly debating whether we are going to have children. Will we adopt? Will we conceive? Can we conceive? We're nearing the age where it may be too late to have children, for many reasons. Reasons such as not wanting to be the geriatric lech "accused" of staring at the young girls during high school graduation. But one things for certain, it's a decision we'll need to make soon.

As a man it's pretty simple to just launch a couple of sailors into the abyss and wait for the treasure, but the real work falls on The Woman. That's a 9 month burden she will have to bear, and heaven forbid she make a god damned decision about it. One moment she's like "You know, i'd rather not have a human parasite burst from my pelvis" and the next she's like "I WANT TO BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW" and burns her birth control in a dark fertility ritual.

If it only were so simple.
We've also talked about the option of adoption. I mean it has it's advantages. You can bypass 9 months of pregnancy hell, possibly even the stages of diaper diarrhea, projectile vomit, and toddler mayhem. I am always torn on that front, however. I definitely want to sire a new being with my Super Sperm. Who doesn't want to look down at a sweet little bundle of joy and proudly say "I created that with my penis and the soulful voice of Maxwell."

The wife assures me i'll have the same bond with an adopted child that I would with my own. "It'll be like with Beau" she says, forgetting that I am rational person and that as much as I love my doggo to death, I still see him as a damned dog. She's right though, I would love the adopted child as my own, but IF AND ONLY IF I am allowed to dramatically reveal that we are not their birth parents at some point.

Probably with more explosions

I get jealous sometimes, when I see parents out with their kids doing all kinds of fun things. I think about my own childhood; all the great things I experienced, all things I missed out on. I think about the chance to make up for that with my own kids. I think about my brother and his daughters and how much joy they bring each other. I think I would be a great dad! We'd do all kinds of cool stuff. Go to museums and to see movies, play in the park, solve mysteries. It could subject the poor child to all of my fiendish whims!

On the other hand, I think about having to be responsible for another human life. Sometimes I debate not getting off my own ass to handle my own basic needs, how can I be expected to handle the needs of a child? Hell I almost murdered my wife and I the other night making rice. FUCKING RICE. I see those stories about the horrible gamer parents and I don't think "Wow how unfortunate" I think "Well shit what If that happens to me?" That's not a good sign people! That's a lot of pressure for one inept man to handle.

The wife and I think about if we're ready to bring a child into this world. I mean, I already hate most people on this pathetic blue pearl. But with a child, I would have to actively interact with even more of them, including the murderers, rapists, furries and libertarians. As a black man, I already fear that some fragile white person will decide that I must die in order for them to not suffer a minor inconvenience, so it's not easy to contemplate subjecting my child to that fear.  Bringing another life into this world is like going to a really shitty party where people are literally dying and then calling someone up and telling them to come through.

"What's the blood curdling screaming sound? Oh its just Panic at the Disco"
I can say this; should the life of a child be thrust into my arms, despite the horrors and obstacles in this world, despite all of my fears and hesitations, that child will have the coolest fucking name in existence.

Drake Tempest
Steel Sideiron
Jax Cockburn
Lady Savage
Belladonna Murderface
Tsunami Sue

Best. Names. Ever

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