Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Man at Work

I currently work as a IT Service Desk analyst; a constant reminder that reading and initiative went the way of the dinosaur. If I had a dollar every time someone called in and, in a state of total confusion and stress, asked what to do with the big, flashing box currently on their screen that has a giant button titled "Press this to find out what to do with the big, flashing box currently on your screen", I could afford to take my extended family on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii, and upon my return the flashing box would have gained sentience and subsequently died of neglect from its new, confused parent.

"Do I want to install ViralPCRaper and Pong? Heck yeah I love Pong!"
I'm good at what I do and it pays well, but sometimes I wonder what other career options I could have. TV has been corrupting me for years by romanticizing all careers but my own, and I sometimes yearn to do something different. I think it would cool to be an FBI agent: running around in a suit, carrying a gun, and being shot at by a celebrity playing an out-of-the-box psychotic role. I mean who doesn't want to have a chiseled jaw and be tortured by Tony Danza?

I would love to teach. My math and Computer Science teachers in high school really kept me interested in school (on top of the whole book nerd thing) and made me appreciate good teachers. I think that I could do a lot of good in the world by being a teacher. I would inevitably spend 90% of my time trolling my students while teaching them, but kids these days are such pansies they may have me fired for torture.

A Shiny Blastoise would be totally worth it.

Acting has always intrigued me. I've done a few cheap student productions and had fun, but acting outside of Hollywood has to suck balls. A few years ago I leisurely tried out for a 3 person community play and like 50 people with impressive acting resumes showed up and overshadowed me so immensely that I'm still suffering from a vitamin C deficiency. None of the judges at the audition were attractive women, so the casting couch wasn't going to fly either. I'd probably have a better chance of dying in an alien invasion than getting a two-bit gig here in the Second city. Maybe the Third City, but I'm not quite sure where that is.

I've contemplated getting into politics. I'm really good a making terrible decisions for myself, so I'm certain I can make them for the ignorant masses. I wouldn't dare get into Chicago politics though. There is so much corruption here it is palpable. There is literally a cloud of lies and misdeeds floating by my office as we speak.

If you look close enough you can see several construction contracts and dead prostitutes.

I jockeyed disks for awhile in college, and thought about doing radio. Smooth Jazz in Chicago is a dying genre and I could really revitalize the airways with my manly sexy man voice. I had some correspondence with the General Manager at 87.7, who was impressed with my resume but wanted me to work extensively and for free. It was nice that they wanted to fill the void that WNUA left, but apparently they filled it with broke, underachievers because that station is also Dust in the Wind.

Maybe one of these days another career opportunity will present itself. But for now, I'll just have to continue explaining to people what the Start Button looks like.

No dipshit, not like that.

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