Golimar Part 1

If either of you who read me blog know me, I very much enjoy thriller and horror movies. Hell, I've found out that Sling has a ton of A Haunting episodes On Demand and I've been binging them while I get over my second head cold of the year. I especially love the psychological brand of thriller and horror movies which have multiple interpretations depending on how smart both the creator and viewer are. Over the past weekend I was able to convince the misses to watch a couple movies in this genre. As it is in my nature to be overly critical about everything, here are my reviews of the three movies I watched before I descended into a heaping pile of disease and pain.

BE WARNED: this series will contain spoilers for all 3 movies.

mother!

First of all, let me get something out of the way: Darren Aronofsky is a hack. He's basically what would happen if a hipster found out about something cool a long time ago, and instead of sitting on it like an asshole, he opts to be an even bigger asshole and re-brands it with a bunch of shitty allegories. Darren Aronofsky is to film making as Rick Bayless is to Mexican food: he'll attempt to beat you over the head about how awesome he is but in reality everything he is known for is just recycled versions of better stuff sprinkled with colonialism and none of the seasonings that came along with it.

A scene-for-scene Satoshi Kon rip does not a filmographer make.

Anyways, I was pleasantly surprised by mother! (god what an obnoxious name). If you haven't seen it, here is the plot, abridged:

We open with a girl on fire, because nothing that comes out of Stanley Tucci's mouth is ever a bad idea. We cut to Javier Bardem who places the Philosopher's Stone onto a pedestal, restoring a burnt down house with magic that would put Dumbledore to shame. It even restores a burnt up woman who turns out to be J-Law. J-Law is Javier Bardem's wife, and she's helping him fix up his childhood home which, for some reason, his magic can't seem to do. Said childhood home doesn't have any roads leading to or from it and exists basically in a huge clearing in the woods which is perfect for murdering white people in.

Javier Bardem is a poet or some shit, and he's having a hard time poeting. At one point General Hummel shows up to the house and is like "I am a fan of your work can I stay with ya'll" and Javier Bardem is like "I'm like 50 and married to a lustful J-Law who doesn't appear to own a Bra but sure old white dude stay in our house." And he stays! And starts to be an immediate asshole by smoking in their house and leaving bad reviews on Air BNB. The next day Catwoman shows up and is like "Yeah im General Hummel's wife i'm staying here too" and Javier Bardem is like "Aigh't Bet" and then she and Hummel proceed to be even bigger assholes.

12 Years a Slave was the angriest a movie had ever made me, until this scene.

J-Law tries to keep Catwoman and Hummel out of Javier's Study where he does all of his poeting but her lack of bra keeps her from moving too fast, and they proceed to break the Philosopher's Stone like a bunch of toddlers. Javier actually gets quite upset at this and kicks everyone out and boards up the room. J-Law goes to make sure Catwoman and Hummel are getting the fuck out and apparently they took it too literally as she walks in on them during a rousing round of coitus.

Before long, Catwoman and Hummel's two sons show up and argue over Hummel's inheritance, as he is dying and his oldest son is apparently a piece of shit and they're putting everything into a trust he can't access. So he straight up murders his brother in front of J-Law. The Hummels and Javier take the son to a hospital by driving their non-existent car down a non-existent road, leaving J-Law to clean up the bloody mess. The murdering son comes back, breaks in and casually takes his father's wallet, scaring the shit out of J-Law even further.

They eventually return, and Javier allows the Hummels to have a wake for their son at their house as he tells the still traumatized J-Law that "they have nowhere else to go", despite the fact that they have enough money to warrant one of their sons literally murdering his brother over their inheritance. A metric fuckton of people appear out of nowhere for the wake, and proceed to be even bigger assholes than Catwoman and General Hummel. The movie takes a dark turn as the new house guests begin to do some of the most horrific things the movie has thrown at us thus far, such putting drinks on wood without coasters, not doing courtesy flushes and making out on J-Laws bed. No, seriously. A couple decides to Rick James her sink causing it to break and J-Law loses it, kicking everyone out.

"We never do things just to do them. What would we do? All of a sudden just jump on someone's sink and grind our asses on it like it's something to do?"

J-Law finally calls Javier on his shit and basically calls him a limp dick. This angers him, and he proceeds to ravish her, which is slang for raping the willing. They conceive a baby immediately (something Catwoman had been taunting J-Law about not being able to do like the moment she stepped a foot in their house), Javier finds inspiration for his poem, and the movie decides it's just going to be a normal movie for a couple of minutes.

Sometime in the future, a very Pregnant J-Law and Javier celebrate the completion of his work and their pregnancy, when a bunch of people start showing up to the house. Then the movie remember that it was made by Darren Aronofsky and proceeds to lose it's fucking mind. I can't even begin to explain what actually happens, but it's basically that cliche footage of human history that non-human, all powerful sentient beings view when they are trying to decide if humanity is worth keeping around, except it all happens within a span 10 minutes, within the confines of J-Laws house, all while she is tossed about like a ragdoll. I'm surprised she only dislocated a single rib filming this.

CAN'T YOU SEE!? IT'S SO DAMN ARTISTIC!

Javier eventually rescues J-Law from the mayhem and they run to the boarded up study, where J-Law proceeds to give birth to their baby. Javier want's to show the cult-like following his poetry has garnered his baby, because reasons, and J-Law refuses. Unfortunately she is no match for the mighty call of sleep, and she passes out and later wakes up baby-less. Javier passes the baby around like a joint a Woodstock, and the crowd proceeds to tear it to shreds. J-Law loses it, takes a shard of glass, and starts butchering everyone in arms reach, before they overpower her. She runs into the basement, and sets the whole house a blaze, killing everyone except Javier, and burning herself to a crisp. Javier carries her to the ruined bedroom, digs out her charred heart and crushes it, creating a new Philosopher's Stone, angering State Alchemists everywhere. He places it on the pedestal, restoring the house back to normal as it did at the begin of the movie, this time with an even lesser known woman reforming in the bed, doomed to live a bra-less existence like the ones before her.

My Take

So despite my distaste for Darren Aronofsky, I truly enjoyed this movie. The impression that I gathered from it is that it is about the creation of art and it's toll on the artist. Javier is an artist and J-Law is a personification of his inner self. Many artists often disregard their own personal happiness for the sake of their work. Javier openly allowed Catwoman and Hummel to intrude on his personal space in order to find inspiration. Their grief and life experiences acted as a muse, the result of which being his child, as often a work of art is considered the child of an artist.

The later mayhem and savagery which occurs as Javier completes his piece, and J-Law is in the late stages of the pregnancy, is a allegory for criticism and the general savagery of the uncaring, insatiable audience. J-Law is run through the ringer of the criticism that her child is going to have to face once she gives birth to it. Javier, the artist, wants to show the world his child, but deep down, his inner self is not ready. The moment he releases his work? It's literally torn to bits and devoured by the audience, and they're still not satisfied.

The inner self of the artist if left behind in the ashes, and the artist digs deep down into the remains of themselves to find their heart and soul, just to do it all over again. How well did my thoughts match up with the creators?

Darren's Take

Based on my conversation with Aronofsky, and others he’s had, this is what we know about “mother!”: According to the Bible, before God created Man, there was Paradise. Lawrence is Gaia, or Mother Earth, defending the living, breathing organism she has built into a perfect home. She can’t handle or fully understand why people are being so disrespectful. Her husband in the film is God, who out of boredom creates Adam (Ed Harris) and Eve (a mischievous Michelle Pfeiffer); they invade her pristine world and the artist’s study (the Garden of Eden), which holds God’s perfect crystal (the apple). Their dueling children are Cain and Abel. And they bring in worshippers who feed God’s need for adulation (in the Old Testament, if don’t pray, you die). The worshippers keep sitting on Mother’s unsupported sink, eventually causing the pipes to burst into the Great Flood. God impregnates Mother, who gives birth to the Messiah, who is followed by an increasingly chaotic communion and Revelations. 

Mother Earth is “very much about loving and giving,” said Aronofsky. “She’s given us life on this planet. All she does is give us life. We also see nature’s wrath in the scene when Mother is attacking the crowd. The allegory is, here are these incredible infinite resources given to us and we abuse it all. We don’t follow lessons from kindergarten to clean up your own mess. We are empathizing with Mother Nature, feeling her pain and her wrath.” 

Aronofsky has been passionate about environmental causes about for a long time. “I’ve been very frustrated and filled with a certain amount rage about how much inaction is happening on my other cause,” he said, “which is how do we treat our home, our world.”
Everything is personal for Aronofsky, although he’s less comfortable with another obvious interpretation of this movie: Like him, Bardem is a blocked artist who doesn’t fulfill the serial women in his life and is distracted by seeking fame and attention. “The fame stuff is purely a side effect,” said Aronofsky. “A lot of people are seeing that. It is because we have Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, and Michelle Pfeiffer dealing with the crowd, the paparazzi and autograph seekers. When I was writing I wasn’t seeking comment about that, it was about the allegorical sense of worship.”

Now, to be fair, Darren did create this movie, so the vision is 100% his, and in no way should anyone be allowed to tell someone what their movie is or isn't supposed to be. But let me remind you, that I have stated that Darren is, in fact, a hacking sack of shit, and anything he has done remotely noteworthy has been done via deception or pure luck. Outside of Catwoman's kids murdering each other over their inheritance being allegorical to Cain and Abel, nothing in this film to me stands out as being anything remotely biblical. The fact that he accidentally created a very thought provoking piece of work, and then decided to not only pigeonhole his work into a very specific interpretation, but to personally denounce any other interpretation, is mind-boggling. 

So I went into this movie ready to hate it. Came out loving it. Then Darren Aronofsky decided that, no, I should in fact hate it, because he is a piece of shit who completely misses the point of thought provoking film making.

Final Score: 8/10 2/10 out of sheer principle.